Oh, how the past returns to haunt us.

We spend the majority of our lives running from a specter that looms in our rear-view mirror. Be it regret or guilt or a Tyrannosaurus Rex, we race away. "Ben," I hear you saying "that's a mixed metaphor, you don't have a rear-view mirror when you run." All I can say is that I do, and that you're obviously not being safe enough. Look at this product(not me pictured below):

Some people might question why I would wear it. Here's my rational.

1. Ninjas never attack you from the front. With this handy thing you'll be able to dodge their throwing stars or flying death kicks with ease.
2. In a world where you are constantly being judged by your looks, it's nice to be able to stare at your face constantly, it makes you acutely aware of any blemishes or imperfections so that you can obsess about them and submit yourself for costly surgery.
3. Everybody looks cooler running in a helmet.
4. The beard. Personally, I can't grow one very well. I sported one during NCCC, but it was really more of a neck beard and just resembled a large red rash. So, though I no longer have one, it's comforting to know that this would still work.
5. In Chicago we have a problem with things falling from the sky, be it ice or Sky-Lab or accusations against our elected officials, it helps to have a layer of plastic to protect you.
6. I don't run very well; I tend to look panicked, as if I'm fleeing something. This let's me keep track of who's mocking me for future reference.
   

So that's the reason I wear one of these things when I run from my past.

I was like you once. I thought it didn't matter, that I could run and run and never look back. But let me tell you what happens. That piece of toast you left on your plate at breakfast gets up and steals your cat Sneaky. And while that may be a metaphor for something, it also happens to be very literally true.

This is a picture of poor sneaky being abducted.


So sad.