Friday, August 1, 2008

I am running for World King


So, as you may know there is an election coming up. Not the so called “Presidential Election”. No, this election is far more important than that (but, with its twisted punditry and swelling idealism, it does serve as a perfect distraction). This is an election that is so grand and important that it defies traditional human ideas of what it means to be in power.

No offense, but I doubt your mind could even comprehend how the election takes place, and who actually votes. I’ll try and tell you any way.

See it begins with a gaggle of Fraggles eating a gallon of muggle bagels. Each Fraggle takes his(or her) piece of the muggle bagel and jiggles its jello. As the jiggling jello jiggles, it's put under a pillow and bellows “Who shalt further thy gerber.” The Fraggles of the gaggle then cry. “We are born of your horn and shall eat the corn of the worm.” The jiggly jello then jiggles and wiggles with gut wrenching speed. It speeds and spends until it picks a piggy pickle from the piggy pickle receptacle. The piggy pickle is eaten by Don Rickles as he irons out its wrinkles. Mr. Rickles flicks nickels and tickles the jello jiggling gaggle of Fraggles as they gurgle their muggle bagels.

And that’s how the election happens.

Needless to say, I’m a shoe-in for the victory. I’ve got my fraggles all lined up and I’m seeing some very positive polling numbers regarding my experience furthering gerber.


My campaign promises?

  • A shiny new bike for all those who vote for me.
  • A picnic basket full of snakes for those who oppose me.
  • DNA will be renamed NAD.
  • Fire will be replaced by Fire II(it’s not as smoky)
  • Smoky the bear will be stripped of his hair.
  • Mandatory resurrection of the Rosenbergs.
  • Double Dutch will be increased to Triple Dutch to increase productivity.
  • Hybrid cars will become true hybrids as they will be mixed with animals and teenage boys.
  • An appeals process for the death sentence after it’s carried out.
  • No more wire hangers.
  • A chicken in every garage.
  • School days will be changed to school dayz to make our kids cooler than kids in other countries(nerds).
  • Companies won't be able to have stock unless they have enough for everyone to have some.
  • Running with scissors will be allowed.
  • Punching bags will be renamed "Fist Hugging Bags"
  • Breakfast will be served at every meal. Except breakfast, when brunch will be served.
  • And finally,
  • Everyday will be Chicken Finger Wednesday.

Here’s where I will live...

It's got a shiny laser and a patio.

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